2002-11-28 - 9:14 p.m.
Happy Thanksgiving and such.
Fulfilling day with family. As I stepped out into the frigid wintery air this morning, leaving school to go to my grandma's, I realized I am actually lucky.
Normally, I embrace every drop of bitterness I can, but today I guess I can drop the charade.
I saw the few lonely cars spotting the parking lot and I realized a bunch of those people had nowhere to go but here. They were disconnected to any family, or too far away to exist in the one holiday that isn't based on candy and presents.
I spent the day with these people, my family, threatening death to one cousin as he kicked me mercilessly, and comforting another because he was ill.
I sat in the old, battered rocking chair with his small body curled into my lap. The fire [of course there was a fire] crackled and spewed small flaming missiles. I leaned my head back as Chris nestled his head into the crook of my arm, falling asleep. Looking around, my relatives animatedly shouting over one another, I smiled.
Driving home to Sunny Day Real Estate, somehow my head created a new law dealing with the necessity of SDR+Holiday+Driving which somehow equaled a satisfaction topped only by my conversations with myself.
I got a lot figured out on the way home.
I lay in wait from anitcipation to anticipation. The actuality never seems to mean as much.
Wishing I could have been next to Bon on her way home last night.
Secure in my former uncertainty after he and I met at the bookstore the other night. Some things are too much the same to ever feel different. In the past, he put his hands on my hips one too many times as we laughed about the parking lot cleaners for me to ever feel right there again. So it was impossible for me to wait as my car warmed up, because that gave my brain more time to recognize each angle of the streetlight. To remember the ache of my legs because I couldn't seem to pull myself away.
It's better this way, I know. But sometimes the past sneaks up on you at the funniest times and makes you gasp for breath.
Now, well, now I'm back at chool, alone. And I guess I don't mind as much I thought. I'll obsessively organize my CD's.
Sometimes I forget that even though don't have many occaisons to force proof, my friends love me. I grew wary because I am always the reliable one. I wished that once someone would drop everything for me. But I know that they would if I needed it.
I just don't usually.
Everything is as it ought to be right now.
~j
+George Harrison+
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