2005-04-18 - 3:24 p.m.
Isn't there always this unsettling disparity between then and now? When you compare and contrast the past and the present, you are left dizzy and twirling with memories that collide. Who did I go there with? Was that really years ago? Has it honestly and truly been that long?
I am scared of moving. Of moving to a new place, of moving in with another person. I love him in a grown-up way and I feel so secure sometimes I want to cry. He stares at me with this ridiculous, uncut love. I've told him to stop saying, "I love you" because it starts to mean nothing when you say it a hundred times a day. How things have changed.
I feel like my old life has drifted off, fallen away like leaves. My new life is with him and our home. A home. But, god, I'm goosebumps frightened, stomachache frightened. And people have been asking, "Is he the one?" and "Can you see yourselves together forever?" Do you betray the one you love if you answer with uncertaintity? If you say, honestly, I don't know. Because how can you? Forever is a long time. I have problems with years, but eternity? Sometimes he'll do something and I'll think, how could I not ever be with this man? I mean I'll really think it. He's older than me too, by eight years, and I wonder if he'll change. Or maybe I will.
Mostly I fear forever because I wonder if this is it. The men I've been with, the two serious relationships and the second one is the finale? Am I that lucky?
And then, on a Sunday, he pulls me from the bed and we dance to Phoenix and he sings to me, with me and then we get bagels and the paper and he opens my apple juice bottle for me and hands me the sections I like best and I make sure he gets Sports and he always asks how my bagel is when my mouth is full and I always roll my eyes and point to my mouth and he finishes first every Sunday and gets up to throw out his garbage and walks over to my chair and kisses me on the head while I am still chewing and reading and he hugs me to his stomach while he is standing and the cat jumps on the table to get in on the hug and we both rub his stomach and he looks like the happiest cat on earth and I think, yes, maybe I am that lucky.
j
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